Let’s be honest, avoidance feels like a lifesaver sometimes, doesn’t it?
You get invited to a party and suddenly remember you’re “super busy” that night. You see someone you know in public and pretend you didn’t. You let your phone ring because answering it feels like climbing Everest. You tell yourself you’ll email them tomorrow. But tomorrow turns into next week. And next week turns into… never.
Sound familiar? Avoidance is like this short-term solution that keeps your anxiety quiet but only for now. But here’s the thing no one really tells you: every time you avoid a social situation that makes you uncomfortable, you're actually reinforcing the idea that it was dangerous. That you couldn’t handle it. That something terrible would have happened if you went through with it. And the worst part? The anxiety doesn’t go away. It just waits. Sometimes it even gets louder.
In this episode, we’re going to talk about how social anxiety and avoidance go hand-in-hand and
how to start breaking that cycle without overwhelming yourself.
Why Avoidance Feels So Good (and yet is so Bad)
Let’s break this down.
You get anxious about something social, say, giving a presentation or going on a first date. Your heart races, your mind spirals, and your brain starts throwing out worst-case scenarios. So, to stop the anxiety, you avoid the thing entirely. Phew! Instant relief. You feel calm. Safe. You didn’t have to suffer through that horrible thing.
Except… your brain just learned that “escaping” equals safety. So the next time something similar comes up, your anxiety is even louder. Your brain is like, “Warning! We escaped last time and nothing bad happened, so let’s do that again!” And the cycle continues.
Anxiety ➡ Avoid ➡ Relief ➡ More Anxiety ➡ Repeat
This is how social anxiety digs in and stays. It thrives on avoidance. The more you dodge social situations, the scarier they seem. It’s like feeding a monster in the basement. You never see it clearly, but you’re convinced it’s huge and terrifying.The Key Is Not to Stop Feeling Anxious
Wait, what? Yes. The goal isn’t to erase anxiety completely. That would be nice, sure, but it’s not realistic. The goal is to prove to yourself that you can feel anxious and still do the thing anyway. That’s how confidence is built. Not by never feeling fear, but by realizing you can survive it.
So instead of waiting to feel “ready” or “calm,” what if you just aimed to feel a little uncomfortable, and do it anyway?
That’s the mindset shift we’re aiming for.
The Power of Small Wins
Now, let’s be clear. I’m not suggesting you dive headfirst into a 200-person networking event tomorrow. That’s not bravery, that’s torture. Start small. Like, really small. Here’s what that might look like:
● Making eye contact with a cashier and saying “thank you.”
● Leaving a voice message instead of texting.
● Asking someone a question during a Zoom meeting.
● Replying to a group chat instead of lurking.
Saying “hi” to a neighbor you usually avoid. These may seem tiny to someone without social anxiety, but for you? These are victories. Because each one chips away at the fear. Each one proves: I can handle this. You don’t need to become a social butterfly overnight. You just need to start proving to yourself that you’re capable of more than your anxiety says.
Exposure Doesn’t Mean Flooding
Here’s something important: facing your fears doesn’t mean flooding yourself with discomfort. You’re not trying to shock your anxiety into submission.That’s like tossing yourself into the deep end when you’re still learning how to float. Instead, you wade in. You let the water get higher, inch by inch. You breathe. You stay with it. You get used to the sensation.
Gradual exposure works. And you control the pace. Make a list of the social situations that freak you out from least to most scary. Then, pick the easiest one and practice it until it gets boring. Yes—boring. Because when your brain gets bored, it stops seeing the situation as a threat. Then move to the next one. Slowly. Intentionally. With kindness.
What If It Goes Bad?
Okay, but what if you do the thing and it’s awkward? What if your voice shakes? What if someone gives you a weird look? What if you forget what you were saying halfway through?
Here’s a secret: it’s okay.
Awkward moments are part of being human. Everyone has them. Seriously. The people you admire? The confident ones? They’ve said dumb stuff. They’ve tripped over their words. They’ve had days where their brain just didn’t cooperate. The difference? They didn’t let it stop them. So if you try and it’s messy? Still a win. Because you showed up. You did the thing. And that’s how you get stronger.
You Don’t Have to Do It Alone
One last thing: don’t underestimate the power of support. Talk to someone about your goals. Maybe a therapist, maybe a friend, maybe even a group that“gets it.” Social anxiety loves silence. It thrives in isolation. But when you speak it out loud, it loses some of its grip.
The journey isn’t easy. But you don’t have to do it solo.
