All I Ever Really Needed To Know I Learned.
My head has no more space to think,so crowded that when I have more things to think, I have to move out a few to make room for the new ones. I have knocked so many doors, I can recall, trying my hand at entrepreneurship, setting up my own clothing brand, failing due to lack of time,, too little experience or not the right kind, or hours that make child care impossible.
My story is not unusual, many women grapple with economic structure , falling into being truly self- sufficient and being sufficiently impoverished. “ I would say, I don't have much in the way of stuff that takes anyone to hire me, I think to myself smilingly.
I got married when I was 20, it's been 35 years since, we have 3 children, and built our home, that still survives and too many ups and downs to count. Sometimes when I look at someone my age, without my kind of struggles, living a peaceful life, I struggle not to be bitter,and remind myself that I am not starving,or struggling to pay rent for our house. When our anniversary rolls around, I remind myself of our days gone by. I worried so much about the future that I had no time to enjoy the present.
I am constantly driven by guilt, guilt from having not done some of the things right, having been ignorant to know my priorities, having been oblivious to my children’s needs, I can just go on and on. But then I also remind myself of problems from living in constant debt and insecurities that come from there, I have in fact done the best I could. Guilt is a lonely space , it does not fix itself miraculously.
I have faced discouragements, I have doubted myself, I wondered if I would ever succeed.But as the saying goes, - “ You will face many defeats in life, but never let yourself be defeated”. As an athlete myself, the spirit is to try till you succeed, and here are the only 3 things we can keep with us,
One,our experiences,
Two, our true wellwishers,
Three, what you grow inside yourself.
Experiences don't come on a grand stand, they come from so-called ordinary moments, moments with yourself, walks in the park, a short deep nap after a heavy sunday lunch with your family, listening to your favorite music or cooking a meal for the people you love. As for what we grow inside, that's up to each of us, I don't grow bitterness or sorrow, I could if I wanted but I would rather not.
Reset button:
I started to think of the Honey bee, how relentlessly it would work to collect the nectar from the best of flowers, they buzzed from flower to flower , collecting sweet nectar. My life lessons come from my parents, they taught me to work hard and to be diligent. These lessons are etched in my mind and have led me to who and where I am today.
On my own, here and now…
When I look back, I have been a thief… stealing from myself, the precious moments I could have savoured. I had absolutely no idea of how to change, the sense of awareness and opportunity to become your new self.I encountered some self help books. So here are a few steps that could help.
Take a 30 day challenge, envision what you want to achieve, constantly thinking about it, and it really works! Show up, try to be the best version of yourself, when you set your mind to it, the mind starts to beg you to make the change. Never berate yourself, this time is a gift, the one you may have never given yourself. Use it to discover who you are and what is really important to you. This experience has left me hungry for more…, my only regret is , I could have been a little kinder to myself.
Anupama Rao
