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So, let’s rewind a bit. In the previous blog, we talked about that constant chatter in your head—that voice that won’t shut up during even the simplest social situations. The one that tells you you’re being judged, or that you sounded weird, or that you’re not good enough.
But where did that voice come from?
Here’s the truth: you weren’t born anxious about talking to people. You didn’t come into the world worrying about what someone might think if you laughed too loud or said the “wrong” thing. That anxiety? It was learned. And that means—yep—it can also be unlearned.
Now before you roll your eyes and think, “Great, another person telling me to ‘just rewire my brain,’” hear me out. This isn’t about blame. It’s about understanding. Understanding is step one, because when you start to see why you feel the way you do, it’s easier to be kind to yourself. And that’s a big part of healing.
Let’s take a look at some of the common places social anxiety tends to grow roots.
Think back to when you were a kid. Were you encouraged to speak up, or were you constantly told to “be quiet” or “don’t interrupt”? Maybe every time you said something a little offbeat, an adult laughed in a way that didn’t feel nice. Or maybe you got in trouble for asking too many questions, or for saying something honest but uncomfortable.
You might not remember the exact moment, but somewhere along the way, you learned that speaking up could be risky. That being noticed could lead to embarrassment, criticism, or rejection. And so, your brain, being the smart, survival-focused organ it is, started playing it safe.
Don’t speak unless you’re sure it’ll land perfectly. Don’t ask that question; you’ll sound dumb. Don’t say what you’re really thinking; just nod and blend in.
Sound familiar?
Ah, school. The breeding ground for awkwardness and insecurity.
Maybe you were teased. Maybe you got called out in class and froze. Maybe you tripped over your words during a presentation and people laughed. Maybe nothing huge happened, but it was just the vibe—everyone seemed so confident, so sure of themselves, and you always felt one step behind.
For a lot of people, social anxiety starts to bloom in school settings, where fitting in feels like a matter of life or death. Even if your rational brain knows now that none of that really mattered in the grand scheme of things, your emotional brain remembers. And it holds onto those memories like they're lessons carved in stone.
Somewhere along the way, maybe you picked up the belief that you had to be perfect to be liked. You had to say the “right” thing. Sound smart. Look composed. Never make mistakes.
So now, every interaction feels like a test. You rehearse before you speak. You overanalyze afterward. You judge yourself harshly for the smallest missteps. Why? Because your brain has linked social approval to safety. If you mess up, it feels like danger. Rejection. Shame.
But here’s the wild thing: the more pressure you put on yourself to be perfect, the more anxious you feel. And the more anxious you feel, the harder it is to just… be you.
It’s a brutal cycle.
Sometimes social anxiety isn’t about what happened to you, but about what didn’t.
Maybe you didn’t have people around you growing up who modeled confident, authentic communication. Maybe no one taught you how to handle embarrassment, how to laugh off a weird moment, or how to deal with being misunderstood.
If you didn’t have safe spaces to practice being yourself without judgment, of course it’s hard now. Of course you hesitate. You never got the reps in. That’s not a personal failure—it’s just a skill you didn’t get the chance to build.
But here’s the hopeful part: you can build it now. Slowly. Gently. One step at a time.
So What Do You Do With This?
First, take a breath. Seriously. Right now. Deep in, slow out.
Now remind yourself: this isn’t your fault. The anxiety you feel isn’t weakness. It’s your brain doing its best to protect you based on past experiences.
You’re not broken, you’re human.
And the fact that you’re here, reading this, wanting to understand yourself better? That’s brave as hell.
In the next blog, we’re going to talk about what you can start doing about it. We’ll dig into the avoidance patterns that keep social anxiety in control, and how to begin breaking them down—without throwing yourself into situations that feel overwhelming or fake.
It’s not about becoming a different person. It’s about letting you come through, without fear constantly getting in the way.
Until then, try this: every time you catch yourself overthinking a social moment, pause and ask, “What would I say to a friend if they felt this way?”
Then say it to yourself. Because you deserve the same kindness you’d give anyone else.
You’re not alone. And you’re already doing the work, even if it doesn’t feel like it yet.
