.avif)
We grow up believing life is linear: work hard, follow the rules, and good things will follow. But somewhere along the way, that logic starts to crack.
You do your part, you show up, put in the effort, and maybe even overextend yourself. Yet, the results don’t reflect the energy you’ve poured in. And slowly, the doubt creeps in.
“Am I doing something wrong? Or worse… is something wrong with me?”
Meet Roger;
Roger is a graduate student. Smart, diligent, driven. On paper, he was doing everything right. But one day in session, he broke down.
“I feel like I should be doing well. But my grades are terrible. I don’t even feel like trying anymore.”
At first glance, Roger’s issue seems like it’s about poor academic performance. But at the core, his struggle wasn’t really about the grades.
Roger wasn’t just frustrated with his results—he was questioning his worth. He didn’t just think he was doing badly. He believed he was bad for not doing better.
The Trap of “I Should Be the Best” Thinking
There’s a silent, often invisible comparison many of us carry: where we often compare ourselves to an internal image of the “ideal version” of ourselves—the one who always follows through, always gets it right, always succeeds. That version of us is disciplined, productive, fit, balanced, confident, and ahead of the curve.
And when our real-life behaviour doesn’t match that ideal, we feel like we’re falling short. Like we’re behind. Like we’re not good enough.
Here’s the problem: ideals are meant to inspire, not define. When we start using them as a yardstick to measure our current self, the result is almost always a sense of deficiency.
It’s like standing at the bottom of a mountain and only focusing on the peak. You forget how far you’ve already climbed, and all you can see is how much further you have to go.
The Value in How Far You’ve Come
Here’s a truth we often overlook: there is immense value in the distance you’ve already covered. You are not where you started. That progress matters. You’ve already come a long way.
When you only compare yourself to your ideal, you reinforce a narrative of “I’m not enough.” But when you shift your focus to what you’ve already accomplished, what you’ve overcome, learned, survived, and improved, you start to feel differently. You feel stronger. More capable. More willing to move forward.
Acknowledging your progress doesn’t mean settling, it means grounding your worth in what’s real, not what’s ideal. It’s the foundation of resilience.
The Myth of Certainty
When Roger said, “I should be doing well,” what he was expressing was a need for certainty. A belief that if he worked hard enough, success should be guaranteed.
But life doesn’t work that way.
* Some days you’ll perform well; other days, not so much.
* Even the most capable, disciplined people mess up.
* Growth is rarely a straight line.
Expecting certainty sets you up for disappointment. It makes every stumble feel like a failure. And over time, that creates a cycle of dissatisfaction and self-doubt.
Thinking in Probabilities, The Game of increasing the odds
Instead of thinking, “I must be the best,” try thinking: “How can I improve my odds of doing well?”
Because life is a game of odds, not certainties. You can’t guarantee outcomes, but you can increase the probability of success by consistently showing up and doing the work:
* Studying regularly improves your odds of good grades.
* Moving your body consistently improves your odds of being healthier.
* Practicing gratitude regularly improves your odds of feeling more fulfilled.
You don’t control every result, but you do control your actions. And your actions, over time, shape your trajectory. Small shifts. Repeated over time. That’s how momentum is built.
Reframing Setbacks as Feedback
Once you shift from “certainty” to “probability,” mistakes stop feeling like identity-level failures. Instead, they become part of the process, just information you can learn from.
* Didn’t do well on that exam? What can I change about my study habits?
* Missed a workout? What got in the way, and how can I prepare better next time?
* Feeling unmotivated? Maybe I need rest or to reevaluate my expectations.
The question becomes less about “Why am I failing?” and more about “How do I improve my chances next time?” That’s an empowering shift. It moves you from helpless to proactive. Setbacks become signals, not verdicts. This helps you move from shame to building a strategy.
What You Value Is What You Build
When you consistently look at how far you have yet to go, you reinforce a narrative of insufficiency. But when you focus on how far you’ve come, you build value, not just in your journey, but in yourself! The more you value your growth, the more likely you are to keep growing.
Self-worth isn’t something you earn only when you reach the ideal. It is the potential you unfold along the way. And ironically, the more you believe in your own value, the easier it becomes to stay motivated, resilient, and hopeful.
A Gentle Reminder, If You’re Feeling Stuck
You're not broken for struggling. You’re not lazy for losing motivation. You're just human, learning how to navigate a world that doesn’t guarantee perfect outcomes. So, if you’re feeling stuck or “not there yet,” try this:
Pause. Look back. Acknowledge your progress. Let it mean something. Own your progress and build value in it. Then ask yourself:
“What small action can I take today that nudges me forward?”
You don’t need certainty. You need traction.
You don’t need leaps. You need odds-improving actions.
Because growth isn’t built on perfection—it’s built on showing up, learning, and trying again, no matter where you are, the game is still in play. You’re not out. You’re just figuring out how to move forward.
One thoughtful choice at a time!
